Thursday, December 29, 2005

Merry Christmas and all that

Just a quick note to say I'm on a Christmas break at the moment. Normal service will resume in the new year, or if I get a chance to get to a computer sometime, maybe sooner!

Have a good Christmas everyone!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Police, stop! Stop! Sto... oh, ok then

The Magistrates Blog spoke recently about an incident in which a Detective Constable happened to look out of the window and spot four well known scrotes driving away from the police station in a Lexus. Assuming (correctly) that it had been stolen, he called for a uniformed officer to stop it, but unfortunately no one got there in time, and they got away.

Its a real shame that. If only a uniformed officer could have got there, then they could have used their blue lights to require the vehicle to stop before they had to pull up and watch the scrotes drive away, as the vast majority of officers are not allowed to pursue vehicles.

One quick point here - I agree in every way that only highly trained drivers, in the best, safest cars should be able to pursue, if their judgement deems it safe to do so. What I don't agree with is that every response officer is NOT a highly trained driver in the best of cars. Instead, money is felt to be better sent on shiny leaflets, big signs, and policy makers.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


The Policeman's Blog mentions that his force is considering issuing black shirts to all officers, but management are not sure as it may make the police less approachable. My force currently let only specfic jobs wear black polo shirts, and personally it irritates me, as I would much rather wear them as they are more comfortable, and a damn sight easier to wash (less ironing!) than white shirts and ties. They look just as smart due to the fact that pretty much everything is covered by the stab vest/utility harness/hi vis jackets anyway, and it would then also mean that the white shirt and tie could be kept as a dress uniform for court, and the much more practical polo shirt be used for when you are chasing people over fences or grappling with a vomit, piss and blood covered drunk. On a safety side, if someone grabs my shirt collar they could use it to strangle or at the very least move me around a bit - that wouldn't be the case with a polo shirt.

And what of the 'It makes police unapproachable' argument - seeing as that seems to be the ONLY reason against them? Lets take a look at it by breaking the public down into groups, and seeing if they would approach us if the uniform changed:

The Eldery: A group which I accept may possibly comment that we no longer look so smart as we used to. However, they say that anyway, due to the fact that after layering on all of the relevant kit, and then trying to stretch a high visibility jacket to fit over the top, we mostly look more like Mr Blobby after an adverse reaction to steroids than anything else.

The Business People: Unless they happen to be in the business of selling white shirts with extra buttons, I can't see any complaint from this area of society. And besides, the people who sell the black polo shirts will balance this out nicely. With regards to approachability, I can't see any change.

The Victims: As much as I try, I really can't imagine anyone who has been attacked/robbed running towards a policeman for help, and then coming to a screeching halt and changing their mind due to the fact that the officer is wearing a polo shirt rather than a shirt. "Well officer, I was going to report a robbery to you, but as you don't see fit to wear a tie, I'm not going to bother."

The Scrotes: These will undoubtably find us just as approachable as before: i.e. they will run when they spot us coming, due to the most recent crime they committed. If we were wearing black polo shirts, it might even mean we can sneak up a bit closer before they start running!

The Kids: Again, I can't see the new "Stranger Danger" campaign being amended to "If you're lost, seek out a relative, a teacher or a policeman - as long as he's wearing a tie."

And everyone else... I'm sure will happily be able to continue on with their lives, without losing a minutes sleep over the uniform change. Unlike the polce management, who I'm sure are paying thousands of pounds to many people to sit around arguing the decision out, only to decide that the best course of action can only be the one least liked by the greatest number of officers. Its a forumla they use, I'm sure of it.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

And in other news...

A quick aside here, but two things I found amusing in the paper recently whilst reading it back to front on a suicide watch...

Article 1: "The Crown Prosecution Service are to seek legal advice on whether they can take action against..." Who needs to know the rest of the story. That line said it all for me. :)

Article 2: "STOPPA COPPA SOCIETY" This article spoke about a small group in some part of the UK - I forget which - which had started up a society of people, and their only action was to approach a police officer and say "Officer, I just wanted to stop you to say that we really appreciate what you do. If it weren't for people like yourself, we would be in chaos. Please continue to follow your higher calling." I haven't got the paper with me at the moment, but I think that is pretty much word for word what it said. They went on to say that one WPC had burst into tears when they had spoken to her, and said how she was going to quit the job but now wouldn't.

Its therefore probably a sad state of affairs that if someone came up to me on the street and said that, I'd think they were severely taking the piss.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Stupid Fu... er... nny Questions

Brian's Brief Encounters was speaking about the stupid questions that police get asked all the time. I refer to these questions as SFQ's (guess what that stands for yourself), and you can always spot one coming from a mile away. Its something to do with the walk.

So, heres my top ten list of SFQ's not to ask us. Please.

  • What time is the next bus to my house?
  • - Look I honestly don't even know how to use a bus timetable - I hate public transport!

  • Can you tell me the way to this place please?
  • - Yes I can. But that isn't an excuse for you stopping dead in the middle of the road, holding up everyone while I look it up in my A to Z (which incidentally are about £3 from any garage), so my answer is inevitably going to be "Sorry, I'm not from this area."

  • Officer, I reported [a crime] to you yesterday. Whats happening with it?
  • - See posts below on why never to ask this one.

  • What are they doing here then? (indicating nearby roadworks)
  • - Digging?

  • Is your vest bulletproof?
  • - Well, I've not been hit by one yet.

  • Can you tell them bouncers to let me back in?
  • - No. For one thing, they are too busy placing side bets amongst themselves as to how long it will take you to annoy me enough to get arrested.

  • Why can't you just mind your own f***ing business?
  • - There are many answers to this, but the usual reason would be because you are really too stupid to be allowed free will, and the only reason that I am involved in your business is due to the error of allowing it to you.

  • Did you get bullied at school?
  • - Thats a new one. I'd laugh, but we aren't allowed to whilst on duty - force orders.

  • Are you only stopping me because I'm black/white/wearing a hoodie/cap?
  • - No. Actually its because you stink of cannabis, smelt similar to something that is generally found near the drain of a brewery, and are driving a car with no licence, insurance or mot.

  • What the f*** are you going to do about it you p****?
  • - I'll tell you in the morning when you've sobered up enough for me to issue you with the fixed penalty ticket.

    Any one think of any I missed?

    -- Just had another quick one to add that I can't believe I left out:
  • Why have I been arrested?
  • - Always repeated, and I mean repeated, no realy, repeated and repeated and repeated again (get the idea yet) with any drunk prisoner. I have a personal rule to myself that I will only tell them the first six times.