Friday, May 05, 2006

Fighting Talk

Another Constable tells a tale of abuse from a prisoner that every single officer will be well aware of. In fact, its likely that we've all locked up a prisoner who read from pretty much the same script as his.

The threats Another Constable got are standard fare. To say that you don't get annoyed by prisoner like this would be a lie - of course you do. It would take a very strange person to honestly say that they could take the amount of abuse he describes without any emotion. You just don't let it get to you though, and its really not worth flaring up over it, or shouting back. Now, the truly professional officer would of course sit back, ignore it and take it, however I have to admit that there are things I've overheard in my time which not only shut up the abusive prisoner, but made me smile too. I'm not in any way condoning them as good practice(!), but for amusements sake heres some of them:

1) A prisoner locked up on a Friday/Saturday night, mouthing off, general abuse. PC reading out list of property to the custody sergeant for the custody record. "Two condoms sarge, expiry date 2002."

2) A Scottish prisoner with a particulary thick accent, screaming "I'll f*****g f**k ya, ya c**t, I'll f**k ya mum, c**t etc." In the first small pause while he catches his breath, the arresting officer says "Don't worry mate, we'll get you an interpreter as soon as we get to the cell block."

3) A prisoner brought back in on a van, offering abuse to his arresting officer the whole way, most of it centred around the fact the officer is overweight. On arrival at the cellblock, after being put into the cell, the prisoner shouts "How the f**k did you get so fat you p***k?". Officer replies "Every time your girlfriend has sex with me, she brings me a Mars bar."

4) Two prisoners in a van arrested after a football match for public order offences. One has APAC tatooed on his knuckles. The other has four dots tatooed on his. An officer asks "What does that stand for?" pointing to the APAC. The prisoner snarls back "All Police Are C***s". The officer politely replies "Ah, I see, I see." The officer turns to the second male and point to the four dots. "What does that stand for?". The male snarls back "All Police Are C***s". Officer replies "Oh I see, its just that you can't spell is it?"

5) Prisoner in van yelling at arresting officer "You f*****g like me or summat? You put these handcuffs on cause you wanna f**k me? Come on then, f**k me! F**k me up the arse! You know you want to! S**g my arse, you know you're gay!" Officer "Yeah I am actually." Prisoner falls silent then murmurs "Don't f**k me" before remaining silent for entire of trip back.

6) Prisoner place into caged van handcuffed to rear. Shouts out on way back "I can f*****g get out of these handcuffs no problem." Officer shouts back "Don't be silly, no you can't." When rear van cage opened at nick, sheepish prisoner waddles out and into the nick in a crouching position, arms firmly stuck behind his knees. He'd tried to step through the cuffs, got them past his bum but wasn't flexible enough to get them past his feet, or back to where they were :)

As I said, I'm not advocating any of these 'tactics' as useful in any way, or to be used. But they made me smile :)


At 4:32 pm, Blogger caramaena said...

Gave me a good chuckle too!

At 11:27 pm, Anonymous guv said...

Something that I always say to anybody that calls me fat.

'I can lose weight, your always gonna be ugly!'

At 11:37 pm, Blogger Bill Sticker said...

Seeing an abusive arsehole come unstuck? - Priceless.



At 6:44 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just three short hours ago :-
Him:- "You fat arsehole, what a prick"
Me:-"Just remind who's sat in the back of the car in handcuffs on his way to custody again?"
Him:-"Oh fuck off, I don't wanna talk to you anymore" (what an eloquent gent he was!)
Me:-"If I'd realised it was that easy to get you to shut up I'd have said something ages ago"
Him:-"ehhhh . . . "

At 12:47 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't imagine doing the job you guys have to do.

Good on you for taking it on the chin and injecting a bit of humour!

At 12:57 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the one I saw on traffic cops last week:
Cop gets brick thrown at him
Cop: We're not allowed to except gifts!

At 8:33 pm, Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

haha great blog keep it up!!

At 1:23 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gratifying moments as a custody Sergeant:-

Prisoner:- "Your a fucking fat wanker.."

cell door closes, buzzer sounds immediately

Prisoner:- "Erm, any chance of a cigarette, guv?"

Me:- "Nah mate, can be fat and inhale smoke at the same time, might bring on a heart attack, see ya in the morning, my kebabs getting cold"

At 11:00 pm, Anonymous Linz said...

Haha....I love number three! Great comebacks.

At 1:05 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am considering printing them out and distributing them to my shift in time for the next weekend of nights.....

Would love to see some of those responses on StreetcrimeUK or something!!

At 1:00 am, Blogger Midlands PC said...

PIC Whinge : These cuffs are too tight, you skinny fuck!

Me : That's because they're new, when you've had them on a while, they'll stretch...

At 4:34 pm, Blogger AntiSocialWatch said...

Loved number three, oh the art of a good comeback!

At 11:15 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good comebacks...shame you police cunts are shit at protecting the public.
Thugs stabbing grannies and terrorising people, but you lot say "come on lads..don't do that". But if an person defends themself, you nick 'em and let the knife wielding thugs go. I mean, why don't you and the alco-pop chavs get a room together..then you can suk and fuk all night long.
British police are the biggest bunch of spineless pussies ever to walk the face of the earth
Me and many friends are taking the law into our own hands....we have to cos your hands are tied giving handjobs to your teeny chav boyfriends.
try and nik us....I fucking dare you...and you'll end up like WPC Yvonne Fletcher (best thing MI5 ever did)

At 6:00 pm, Anonymous bail bonds las vegas said...

police officers overall do a good job, but there are always the bad apples.


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